I have written before about the wrath of the bitter baby mama and as I stated before, a baby mama is a woman who has a child or children with a man she is not married to. In a previous post I stated reasons a baby mama may be bitter or not, but that is not what this post is about. This post is about the baby mama who is definitely bitter and vindictive, and doesn’t let you see your kid, or children. A bitter baby mama who prevents visitation has a name, “Malicious Parent”.
It is a myth that men that are not in the home with their children, typically do not want to see their children. A man, or in this case a Baby Daddy, can be desperately trying to see his child, only to bet stopped by his vindictive, Bitter Baby Mama. She may even tell the child that the father doesn’t want to see the child and conceal all of the efforts of the desperate father. As we speak about these matters in this post, we may refer to a Baby Daddy as a BD.
One of the things that may prevent a BD from gaining legal representation in matters of child visitation is the fact that in addition to paying child support, he must also maintain support of himself. This means, he will more than likely not have enough money for a lawyer. Surprising, many men although they may make more money than single mothers, they are at somewhat of a disadvantage. Many Baby Mama’s will qualify for legal assistance and low income assisted programs for legal representation in matters concerning child visitation. The father usually won’t.
The children suffer…
If you want to know the statistics on what is happening with fatherless children, don’t be surprised because the statistics are rather grim. Last time I checked the statistics, 1 in 4 fathers live apart from his children and that statistic is getting worst every year as more and more fathers are for whatever reason being denied the ability to be fathers. Some mothers, especially the Bitter Baby Mama, may think that their children will be just fine without a father consistently in their lives. We have all been privy to the jokes from comedians like Chris Rock who has made jokes about fathers keeping their daughters off of the stripper pole.
But it is way more than just that to being a good father. Did you also know 90 percent of all homeless and runaway youth are minors without fathers in the home? They are the leaders and protectors of the family and when they are not in the home or in their children’s lives in a significant way their presence is missed because it is very much needed, not just desired. When men do not have the responsibility of fatherhood they leave despair and destruction in the hearts of children and their lives become a reflection of that absence.
Children that grow up without a dad are genuinely more depressed than their peers who have a mother and a father. Did you know 63 percent of youth suicide is youth without fathers in the home? Why? Because some children have a emptiness inside of them created by the lack of self worth developed when they were left fatherless. These are the children that go to school and act up because 85 percent of all children with behavioral disorders do not have a father in their home.
So many children without fathers are not set up for good lives in their future. 71 percent of high school dropouts are fatherless, and we know that getting a high school diploma is the gateway to many opportunities. Fatherless children are at greater risk for incarceration, teen pregnancy and poverty. 75 percent of adolescent patients in substance abuse centers and they later go on to struggle with addictions for the rest of their lives as adults.
So, what can a Baby Daddy do to help his situation?
Document everything no matter how small you may think the matter is. You do not need sophisticated equipment. We live in an age where everybody has a phone. In most cases a regular everyday cell phone can be used to record audio, video and to take adequate pictures as evidence to be used at a later time.
You may also later be able to use this information in court to show a pattern of behavior, so make sure you are conducting yourself in a way that will be favorable in the eyes of the court or any authorities that may seek to see your evidence. You do not want to be caught being just as toxic as the Bitter Baby Mama, or you will be doing yourself a disservice. And a child will need at least one stable and emotionally sound parent in their life so make sure if the mother isn’t, you are.
You also do not want your child to start to not want to visit you. You may be tempted to lash out in front of your child or complain to your children about their bitter mother. Well, this behavior, while reactive to the behavior of the other parent, it is not constructive and is harmful to children. Your child may feel scared of your anger, no matter how justified. They may also feel torn between their loyalty to you, and their love for their mother. You may not feel that this will be distressing for your child, but it may be. Why be the one that takes the chance? You are better than that.
Actually, your positive behavior could actually inspire you Baby Mama to change her negative behavior towards you and your situation, especially if you simply move on from situations that are not worth bringing up and starting fresh. I understand why sometimes this will not be possible for a lot of fathers. There will be instances where too much has taken place, and there is way too much water under the bridge for men to let all things go. The purpose of this post is to give men hope, and it is always a good idea not to give up hope that your situation may improve with time.
A court will always consider what is best for the child when at all possible. When you are just as negative as the Bitter Baby Mama, it is sometimes hard for the court to determine exactly who is in the wrong. One of the ways you can show who is clearly in the wrong is by always doing the right things, in front of others as well as when you are alone. You never know who is watching, or what is being picked up on surveillance equipment.
What if I cannot record?
There are times when it will be illegal to record. Get affidavit from friends and family members you can later use in court. Try to get notarized statements from witnesses of events. For example, if your mother witnesses a heated exchange, have her record a witness statement that you keep. Write down or record your own detailed witness statement. Make sure you include dates, times, who was there, what the purpose of the meeting was, and any other necessary information.
Keep all your records and evidence in a safe place that you can access if need be. Also, make copies of your evidence is keep with a safe witness if anything should happen to your ability to access your records, this is important. You will always have evidence to prove to anyone, including your child, that you were actively trying to do the right thing by seeking visitation, but it was the Bitter Baby Mama who was uncooperative.
Yes, we all know that mental illness is prevalent in America today. I would advise you to try to get an unwell or mentally unstable mother of your child help with their disorder. But this is not a post about a mother who needs psychiatric help.
This is for a mother who is simply upset and seeking revenge or punishment towards her BD and is using the child to accomplish these goals. A mother who doesn’t let the father see their child is mother than just bitter, she is being vindictive and abusive. She has hopes to punish her BD but the true victim of her meanness is the child or children she has in common with the father.
You may feel hopeless and helpless in the face of a malicious and Bitter Baby Mama, but do not despair; you do have the law on your side in certain circumstances. A Bitter Baby Mama may suffer legal, civil and even criminal consequences.
If you have an order for visitation, if you can prove the mother is unjustified in withholding visitation, there are consequences for violating an order of visitation. The court may even grant the father custody of the child if the father can prove that the mother has been abusive in her denial of visitation. The court can even grant the father assistance in obtaining mental health evaluations and services for a mother who may be experiencing a metal crisis that is preventing her from making good parenting decisions.
What is some good advice when dealing with a Bitter Baby Mama and visitation?
You should remain calm and cool headed when dealing with a Bitter Baby Mama. You could employ the use of a third party, or have the police assist you with visitation exchanges. If the mother interferes with visitation, you can have the police fill out a police report stating that the mother did not hand over the child. The police will treat this as a civil matter so do not push the issue and end up having criminal consequences placed on you for being disorderly, obey police instruction if asked to leave for example.
Do not insist on visitation happening in these matters, but respectfully insist on the police making a report that documents the mother’s un-cooperation. It would be helpful if you are refused assistance you try to get the names of any officers on the scene without being combative or antagonistic in nature. Keep up with the time of occurrence, all police will have proof of where they were while on duty, so do not worry there will be a record of who you spoke with.
Make sure you keep documentation of court appointed visitation with you to show the police or any other proper authorities that you have a visitation order. That is why it is important when you are dealing with a malicious custodial parent, you should seek court appointed visitation. The police are more likely to help a calm BD with proof of visitation because custodial interference of child visitation is a violation of civil and possible criminal law.
Before using any of the information in this post, do some research about your individual case, because everybody’s situation is different, right? Make good choices, and stay well informed. This information is just a starting point for men to be more informed.
What are some resources for men or Baby Daddies?
Here is a website that may be helpful to assist you in finding some help with your unique problem you may be experiencing:
Fathers Rights Help & Resources – National Family Solutions
As I mentioned before finding legal representation can be costly for fathers. So here are some tips I found to find a pro-bono lawyer that may be able to help you with visitation. Contact the bar association in the county, or municipality where you reside. For example, I am from Los Angeles, CA. If I were looking for a pro-bono attorney to represent me in a civil matter I may find help by contacting The Los Angeles County Bar Association. But just in case here is a website I found that can help you find your association by State:
Find Bar Associations by State | Bar Association Directory
You can click on your state, then find a breakdown of each law association by county. The search for a pro-bono lawyer may be time consuming but, if you have more time than you do money, it may be worth it. If the lawyer is not doing any free legal work maybe they can refer you to a lawyer that does.
Also, I found another website that may help you to find free legal representation in your area:
And as always, if anyone has some good resources that will help the absent father, please drop a comment! I want to help fathers who need to get into their children’s lives. This ultimately helps Baby Mama’s because the children will have the support of both parents and that’s important.
What are your thoughts?
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References:
What is ‘Malicious Parent Syndrome’? – FindLaw
