If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, do not expect for it to be a healthy and loving one. Narcissists love to triangulate other people to get good supply to regulate their unstable emotions. In this post I will talk about the narcissists’ doormat also known as the “primary supply” (PS) and his shiny new toy also known as the “secondary supply” (SS). While I am using “he” and other masculine pronouns, a female narcissist could easily create a triangle as well so substitute the pronouns as needed…..
The Plight of the Primary Supply
In this love triangle dynamic the PS has it the worst. The PS gives the narcissist the high quality adoration and devotion that he needs, at first. In the beginning he did everything in his power to “hook” you and once he got you on the line he has no interest in letting you off that hook, ever. You were his shiny new toy, albeit you did not know it. And slowly but surely you were moved into the position of his primary supply or the person who gives the most attention and assistance to the narcissist.
As the relationship progresses things start to change for the PS. Where at first they were the narcissist’s best friend, lover and life partner, they are now to being a ding bat that can never do anything right in his eyes. Because it is sudden and seemingly out of the blue, the PS thinks they are the reason the narcissist has pulled away and starting acting cold.
The PS does their best to get the relationship back to the way things were by doing anything and everything to keep being on his good side. But no matter what things get increasingly hostile. The narcissist now uses this person as an object of abuse and projects their inner shame onto them. Eventually the PS becomes his doormat and he walks all over the mat. But the narcissist is hiding a secret….
The Joy of Being the Shiny New Toy
In this love triangle dynamic the SS has it way better than the PS. The SS is now on the same pedestal the PS was previously on before the narcissist unceremoniously drop kicked them off of it. But that is the narcissist secret. He is acting funny because he has another woman he is “love bombing” and pursuing.
The narcissist requires attention, love and other resources from others. Once The PS has become clingy and desperate he knows they will not leave. So off the big bad wolf goes searching for another little red riding hood to put on a pedestal. This relationship is new and exciting, but the narcissist has no intention of making this their primary relationship. The SS is now the new toy. The narcissist is now doing everything he can to hook this new person.
The shiny new toy is now giving the narcissist the high quality adoration and devotion that he needs. The PS is fulfilling the need the narcissist has to abuse and is basically the doormat.
The Triangle
Usually neither supply sources know about each other but the PS know something is up. They may suspect that the narcissist is cheating but can’t catch them. Whenever they bring the subject up the narcissist swears they are crazy. But they drop hints constantly that there is someone else. This drives the PS to enter a depressed state. But the SS is getting the best side of the narcissist. They are being wined and dined. The narcissist does not leave the PS alone either. So they enter a love triangle where the PS is emotionally abused and used while the SS is blissfully happy.
There is another scenario that can happen as well. Both the PS and the SS know about each other and the narcissist uses this to his advantage when both stay in this toxic arrangement. The SS often is used to torment the PS with comparisons. The PS has knowledge that the SS is being treated better than them and this can be extremely hurtful.
Both scenarios can be hell on earth for the PS. Once regulated to the position of doormat, the abuse can be constant.
But what about if the PS wises up and leaves…..
The Big Switch
Even though it may have seemed like the narcissist didn’t want the PS anymore that is far from being true. The narcissist put the PS on a shelf because he has another toy, but he always will come back to play with the toy later. The narcissist is keeping a secret from the SS….
When the PS leaves, the SS is now put in the position of quickly making the SS the primary supply. And this cycle will continue indefinitely until supply gets tired of the abuse. So now the SS will go through everything the previous PS went through. And if the SS knew the narcissist was cheating in their relationship but stuck around anyway?
The narcissist will not trust the SS. if you think things were bad in the first relationship the narcissist acts worst in this one. These cycles will continue for years until supply figures out the narcissist will never change or stop searching for new supply sources.
How To Switch Off
Breaking the cycle will include breaking the trauma bond, because it feels like the abuse that the narcissist heaped on to us has bound them to us. This is because often we are “trauma bonded” to the narcissist, but thankfully we can learn healthy ways to break that bond.
Narcissistic abuse can lead to a huge amount of psychological and emotional trauma for its victims. It’s important to heal the deep and lasting damage that the victim of narcissistic abuse has suffered. It is normal to want to escape from some type of emotional damage from dealing with a narcissist and their abuse. But make sure you focus on positive ways to overcome this. And in my opinion you need to rebuild your self esteem and focus on your mental health and your overall better well being.
I know that is easier said than done, but you have already taken the first step because you went searching for articles that may describe your situation. Well you don’t have to continue to be supply for the narcissists in your life, you can heal.
What are your thoughts?
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